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MUSE
DESK 
“Earth To Get A New Moon.”
It says so here in Forbes magazine. So what? Are we supposed to swoon, Though new moons every month are seen? Ah, but this is another moon. It’ll orbit us from 29th September Then wander off again pretty soon, On or around the 25th of November. It’s called 2024 PT5 And it’s a “near-Earth asteroid,” Forbes explains. Another one? Well, Saints Alive! I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody complains. It is, Forbes states, “11 meters in diameter — About the same as two giraffes.” But in these things I am strictly an amateur And I wouldn’t want to make any gaffes. So where’s two giraffes’ diameter measured? Round their haunches, their necks or their girth? Or where giraffes are leisured and pleasured Down here on our encircled Earth? 
At last, the curtain once again rises
On the latest batch of Ig Nobel prizes, Duly rewarding human endeavour In the crucial field of whatever. Though subterfuge was involved in the Medical Prize, this observer no lie detects In the conclusion that “fake medicine that causes painful side-effects can be more effective than fake medicine that does not cause painful side-effects”. But the Anatomy gong did little to soothe (ahem) his fears By going to a study on whether most people’s hair “swirls in the same direction (clockwise or counter-clockwise?)” in the northern and southern hemispheres. The Botany Prize winners must do their research somewhere that has quite elastic grants, As they got it for “finding evidence that some real plants imitate the shapes of neighbouring artificial plastic plants”. The Phys-ics and -iology trophies were for “demonstrating and explaining the swimming abilities of a dead trout” And “discovering that many mammals are capable of breathing through their anus”. One does rather doubt that the trout knew what it was about. As for mammals, some also talk through said aperture, but this particular study was not the most inane as The Chemistry Prize was given for “using chromatography to separate drunk and sober worms” And the Biology one for “exploding a paper bag next to a cat that’s standing on the back of a cow, to explore how and when cows spew their milk”, All of which, in sober scientific terms, Is rather like exploring why silkworms spin their silk. Improbably, the Probability Prize was for “showing, both in theory and by 350,757 experiments, that when you flip a coin, it tends to land on the same side as it started.” And the Demography Prize landed on “detective work to discover that many of the people famous for having the longest lives lived in places that had lousy birth-and-death recordkeeping” (no doubt lousily charted). Last but not least, the Peace Prize, at this time of clashing states and religions, Went to “experiments to see the feasibility of housing live pigeons inside missiles to guide the flight paths” (of the missiles, not the pigeons). Ingenious, my loves. But just go back to doves. 
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Oh, a fisherman’s life’s a rare old lark.
Now I walks on a peg-o.
Since trawling up a plastic shark
I’m missing half me leg-o.
Now I walks on a peg-o.
Since trawling up a plastic shark
I’m missing half me leg-o.
Young Rishi has caused quite a tizz.
The snubbed Greek PM’s all afizz.
“No talks,” Rishi warbles.
“We’re keeping the marbles.”
Although he’s already lost his.
The snubbed Greek PM’s all afizz.
“No talks,” Rishi warbles.
“We’re keeping the marbles.”
Although he’s already lost his.
AI, AI ... OH!
Sam Altman’s been ousted as top longstay guy
At OpenAI.
He’s no longer at all where it’s at, we agree,
In ChatGPT.
An inhumanly sudden move by the Board, assumin’
That the Board’s human
And isn’t some other board
Such as a motherboard.
Sam Altman’s been ousted as top longstay guy
At OpenAI.
He’s no longer at all where it’s at, we agree,
In ChatGPT.
An inhumanly sudden move by the Board, assumin’
That the Board’s human
And isn’t some other board
Such as a motherboard.
The 2023 Ig Nobel prizes
Did comprise some big surprises.
Among these deep and diverse shocks:
An award for “explaining why many scientists like to lick rocks”.
Another went to a study of what people feel “when they repeat a single word many, many, many, many, many, many, many times”,
A scientific feat for which it is not too difficult to find any, any, any, any, any, any, any rhymes.
Further prizes were for “re-animating dead spiders to use as mechanical gripping tools”
And designing a toilet that automatically analyses people’s pee and stools.
Then there was that accolade for “studying the mental activities of people who are expert at speaking backward”
Which is one they may have to claw back
As “backward” is almost but not quite the reverse of “drawback”.
And after some palavers,
They gave one for “using cadavers
To explore whether there is an equal number of hairs
In each of a person’s two nostrils”.
To which the corpses riposted “Who cares?
In fact, we’re all rectirostrals.”
There was one for testing “how electrified chopsticks and drinking straws
Can change the taste of food.” Gents
And ladies, yet another gives pause.
It was for probing “the boredom of teachers and students”.
But I suppose it’s only meet
To honour “experiments on a city street
To see how many passersby stop to look upward
When they see strangers looking upward”.
There was one more prize, which I’m surely not nixing,
For “measuring the extent to which ocean-water mixing
Is affected by the sexual activity of anchovies”.
But may I ask a question, please?
Why no prize for igknobbly knees?
Did comprise some big surprises.
Among these deep and diverse shocks:
An award for “explaining why many scientists like to lick rocks”.
Another went to a study of what people feel “when they repeat a single word many, many, many, many, many, many, many times”,
A scientific feat for which it is not too difficult to find any, any, any, any, any, any, any rhymes.
Further prizes were for “re-animating dead spiders to use as mechanical gripping tools”
And designing a toilet that automatically analyses people’s pee and stools.
Then there was that accolade for “studying the mental activities of people who are expert at speaking backward”
Which is one they may have to claw back
As “backward” is almost but not quite the reverse of “drawback”.
And after some palavers,
They gave one for “using cadavers
To explore whether there is an equal number of hairs
In each of a person’s two nostrils”.
To which the corpses riposted “Who cares?
In fact, we’re all rectirostrals.”
There was one for testing “how electrified chopsticks and drinking straws
Can change the taste of food.” Gents
And ladies, yet another gives pause.
It was for probing “the boredom of teachers and students”.
But I suppose it’s only meet
To honour “experiments on a city street
To see how many passersby stop to look upward
When they see strangers looking upward”.
There was one more prize, which I’m surely not nixing,
For “measuring the extent to which ocean-water mixing
Is affected by the sexual activity of anchovies”.
But may I ask a question, please?
Why no prize for igknobbly knees?
Long after his wild youth in Asia,
He was cryopreserved like a glacier.
When thawed by the crew,
He asked them, “What’s new?”
“Oh, they’ve just legalised euthanasia.”
He was cryopreserved like a glacier.
When thawed by the crew,
He asked them, “What’s new?”
“Oh, they’ve just legalised euthanasia.”
One hundred and fourteen thousand bucks
Just for a pair of jeans?
Before you all start shouting “Shucks”
Think what this bargain means.
When strutting in them varmint britches
You’ll be so chicly dressed.
You’re paying for a garment which is
Prewashed and predistressed.
Just for a pair of jeans?
Before you all start shouting “Shucks”
Think what this bargain means.
When strutting in them varmint britches
You’ll be so chicly dressed.
You’re paying for a garment which is
Prewashed and predistressed.
Mary had a little meteor.
Her clip of it looked grand.
But Twitter thought 'twas something meatier.
Her sweet tweets have been banned.
Her clip of it looked grand.
But Twitter thought 'twas something meatier.
Her sweet tweets have been banned.
Barely Qualified
On 19 September 2021, AFP reports, Portuguese naturists gathered in a vineyard about 100km to the south of Lisbon to try their hand at grape harvesting for the very first time.
You look divine
Beside that vine.
We're nude from knee to nape.
Grab grapes so fine.
But that one's mine.
What's more, it's not a grape.
EPILOGUE
Most of us more or less got by without fig leaves
Even though grapevines don't have quite such big leaves.
On 19 September 2021, AFP reports, Portuguese naturists gathered in a vineyard about 100km to the south of Lisbon to try their hand at grape harvesting for the very first time.
You look divine
Beside that vine.
We're nude from knee to nape.
Grab grapes so fine.
But that one's mine.
What's more, it's not a grape.
EPILOGUE
Most of us more or less got by without fig leaves
Even though grapevines don't have quite such big leaves.
No stress. No strain.
It caught the train.
Whale, whale, whale.
That’s quite a tail.
It caught the train.
Whale, whale, whale.
That’s quite a tail.
Sweeping Judgement
If consenting, a man or a squaw
May be groomed with a broom until raw.
But don’t thong and bristle
The wrong one as this’ll
End up in a brush with the law.
If consenting, a man or a squaw
May be groomed with a broom until raw.
But don’t thong and bristle
The wrong one as this’ll
End up in a brush with the law.
The Magnet Song
To be sung to the tune of The Ferret Song
[Astrophysicist]:
I’ve got some magnets sticking up my nose.
[World, desperate for a laugh]:
He’s got some magnets sticking up his nose.
[Astrophysicist]:
I built an anti-virus necklace
But my approach was rather reckless.
The tech specs turned out far from speckless.
Now lodestones load me down.
[World]:
They load him down.
[Astrophysicist]:
I’ve got some magnets sticking up my nose.
[World]:
He’s got some magnets sticking up his nose.
[Astrophysicist]:
Though well apart I should have kept ’em
I quite forgot to intercept ’em
And now across my nasal septum
They cling in fond embrace.
[World]:
In fond embrace...
To be sung to the tune of The Ferret Song
[Astrophysicist]:
I’ve got some magnets sticking up my nose.
[World, desperate for a laugh]:
He’s got some magnets sticking up his nose.
[Astrophysicist]:
I built an anti-virus necklace
But my approach was rather reckless.
The tech specs turned out far from speckless.
Now lodestones load me down.
[World]:
They load him down.
[Astrophysicist]:
I’ve got some magnets sticking up my nose.
[World]:
He’s got some magnets sticking up his nose.
[Astrophysicist]:
Though well apart I should have kept ’em
I quite forgot to intercept ’em
And now across my nasal septum
They cling in fond embrace.
[World]:
In fond embrace...
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SIGN
CURVE |
The sturdy stones of Carnac
March on and on for miles
Except when crossed by tarmac.
They’re ranged in straightish aisles.
This stout dame’s megalithic lines
Are not set in a curve
But nonetheless they must be signs.
What purpose does she serve?
I think I know. Her fairway leads
The questing stranger’s eye
Not to the sun’s pale brow that speeds
Across the sullen sky
But to a place beside her
Where folk sip Breton cider
And linger while a man makes
Rather tasty pancakes.
March on and on for miles
Except when crossed by tarmac.
They’re ranged in straightish aisles.
This stout dame’s megalithic lines
Are not set in a curve
But nonetheless they must be signs.
What purpose does she serve?
I think I know. Her fairway leads
The questing stranger’s eye
Not to the sun’s pale brow that speeds
Across the sullen sky
But to a place beside her
Where folk sip Breton cider
And linger while a man makes
Rather tasty pancakes.
To check a point with Charlie,
I stop off for a parley:
“Tell me Charlie, where’s that wall?
I just can’t see the wall at all.”
Says Charlie, “That’s no mystery.
It’s in the bin of history.”
I stop off for a parley:
“Tell me Charlie, where’s that wall?
I just can’t see the wall at all.”
Says Charlie, “That’s no mystery.
It’s in the bin of history.”
Bustling Brussels Central Station
Loves its passengers so much
That it doubles their defibrillation:
Once in French and once in Dutch.
Choose Vondel’s tongue
To avert disaster
But Voltaire’s langue
Makes the heart beat faster.
Loves its passengers so much
That it doubles their defibrillation:
Once in French and once in Dutch.
Choose Vondel’s tongue
To avert disaster
But Voltaire’s langue
Makes the heart beat faster.
Pedal bin
Please don’t bin your bike.
Though ageing now, your bike’ll
Take you where you like
So cycle and recycle.
Please don’t bin your bike.
Though ageing now, your bike’ll
Take you where you like
So cycle and recycle.
© 2017-2o24 Ian Graham (text and, unless otherwise attributed, photos) and Emilie Vercruysse (drawings unless otherwise attributed).
Muse Desk and Sign Curve by Ian Graham and Emilie Vercruysse. Non-commercial re-use of this material, provided that it is unaltered and is attributed, is hereby licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.